


Warmth

by wethepeople



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, F/M, High School, Medical School, One-Sided Relationship
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-10-08
Updated: 2019-11-26
Packaged: 2020-11-27 10:49:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,125
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20947103
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wethepeople/pseuds/wethepeople
Summary: And she tried so hard. She tried so hard to make it work, so hard. But it was never enough.AU where Mikasa tries to move on from Eren.





	1. Chapter 1

At first, his fiery passion was a breath of fresh air, not everyone was as transparent as he had been. He was inspiring, with his big dreams and his awaiting future. He was blunt and brash, in a way some found immature, but that she found honest. 

Eren was everything she couldn’t be. 

While he spoke without fear, she spoke calculatingly and coldly. While he showed the world who he was to become, she tried to keep it out. It was never supposed to be more than a crush, but she knew the moment he held his hand out to her and asked if she was alright without really looking at her and blushing the tiniest bit, that she would love him forever. 

Middle school was an awkward time, even for her stoic self. She had wanted to try dressing up a little more, but always ended up changing before she left for school. Her older brother told her that popularity didn’t matter as long as she bested everyone in school. She didn’t argue but she remembered the cute hair styles her mother used to do on her and the skirts and dresses she always loved. 

She cut her hair just below her chin. 

Eren’s ambition grew larger. When high school came around, he wanted to join as many clubs as possible and take as many advanced courses as possible, he was determined to go to the best school in the country. He wasn’t naturally smart, much to Mikasa’s surprise when he admitted he studied almost every single day, but he got amazing grades. Neither of them could hold a candle to Armin in regards to academics, but no one could hold a candle to Eren’s determination and work ethic.

She wondered if she excelled at anything. 

The day she conjures up the courage to ask Eren if he wants to hang out with her privately, she hesitates. She hesitates because he’s scribbling furiously in his notebook with an open textbook next to him in the library. She hesitates because he has more important things to think about. 

Mikasa decides to try her hardest in school from that point on. She comes close to passing Armin a couple of times and she feels warmth in her body from something that’s not from somebody else. It’s from something she did herself. That’s when Eren becomes distant. She’s confused but nonetheless attempts to talk to him about the latest test. She finally has something she can relate to with him. He brushes her off with a cold response and continues scribbling in his notebook. 

Mikasa leaves the library and makes it home where Levi has a light lunch ready for her. She crumples up her test and throws it away. 

Mikasa joins a sport, and while she’s surprisingly good at most of them, they don’t really do much for her. They become repetitive and too easy.

Eren and Armin come to watch one of her games and when she glances at Eren and he gives her a tiny smile of encouragement, she decides she’ll keep playing sports, even if she doesn’t like them that much. 

It’s Senior year, and Mikasa’s grades aren’t the best but they’re good enough to keep her in the season. Armin and Eren are obviously on their way to being Valedictorian and Salutatorian, respectively. They’ve turned in their college applications and just need to keep doing what they’re doing. 

It’s around the end of the year that college acceptance letters come rolling in. Mikasa sits with Eren as he nervously opens his email. 

Congratulations. 

He hugs Mikasa for the first time in a while, for the first time ever since he learned Mikasa was an orphan who lived with her much older brother.

Her heart pounds and a tiny smile graces her lips when he grins at her. Her heart pounds and it hurts. 

At first his fiery passion was a breath of fresh air. Now, his fiery passion was a flame that took all her air away. 

During the summer, while she, Eren and Armin sit watching the sunset on the beach they all love, she glances at Eren and decides to tell him what she feels. When she gets up to grab them all a drink, she smiles as Eren talks crudely about their classmates and having bested them all. When she gets back, the topic of conversation seems to have shifted. 

“Love? I don’t have time for that.” 

She freezes and Armin quickly glances away from her when he sees her. He knows. Only an idiot wouldn’t know. When Eren asks if Mikasa agrees, she has to reply in her usual stoic manner when all she wants to do is leave.

“Yeah.” 

That summer, they all part ways. Her hug with Eren is short and sweet, neither of them used to it at all. She forces a small grin as he leaves. 

When Armin leaves, she hugs him for what feels like an eternity. She tells him how proud of him she is. When he goes to do the same, she tries to steer the topic away. He smiles sadly at her. Armin has always been too smart for his own good. 

“ I’m always here if you need me.” 

She nods, she knows. When he leaves, she allows herself to feel sad for the first time since they all knew they were going their separate ways. 

When she left, her brother ruffled her hair and something akin to sadness flashed in his eyes before she was gone.

________________________________________________

Mikasa reluctantly becomes friends with a food loving girl by the name of Sasha who wants to be a Vet. She quickly earns her trust and before she knows it, Mikasa is a crying mess about the one who got away.  
“I tried so hard. I loved him so much and almost everything I did was for him.” 

Sasha grabs her hand and stares intently into her eyes. 

“Then you know what you need to do, love.” 

She did. 

Mikasa begins trying with her grades again, and while she didn’t know her major yet, her general courses were solid A’s. When it comes time to declare a major, she chooses what she wants to do forever. Keep learning. 

And with a major in Biology, she aims to become a world class doctor, what kind, she doesn’t know yet. She studies her butt off in her third year and passes her MCAT with a very nice score, and by the time she starts her 4th year, she knows what Medical school she’s going to. 

Sasha is with her every step of the way, even when Mikasa refuses to go to class because it’s a bad day of remembering her first love who never felt the same. Sasha refuses to let him have an influence over her, even if he didn’t know it. 

With much love and care from Sasha, Mikasa takes the first step towards recovery. 

She very cautiously enters the therapist’s office and takes a deep breath. 

“ When I was 9 years old, my parents died.”

“When I was 12 years old, I met a boy who made me happy.”

“When I was 17 years old, I thought that loving someone meant doing anything for them, even if it hurt me.” 

When Mikasa enters Medical School, she’s challenged for the first time in her life. She feels a rush and even when sleepless nights of studying wear her down, she feels warmth, from something she did herself.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Her heart stops for a second. She doesn’t know what she feels for a few minutes. There’s a drop in her stomach and her eyes sting. Engaged. He was engaged.

Laughing at the ridiculous joke that Sasha has just spouted, Mikasa turns up the brightness on her laptop to see her face better. 

“Sash, please don’t ever talk about food and animal feces in the same sentence again please,” she pauses, “aren't you supposed to be studying for a test?” Sasha groans, Mikasa cackles, “Come on lazy get to work.” 

Sasha screeches, “Is it too late to quit?” She rubs her face and fake cries, “ I should just quit.” Mikasa rolls her eyes at her dramatics, she goes to tease her friend when out of nowhere her friend begins glaring at her, “Don’t YOU have that super duper important test coming up? What are you doing relaxing?” 

This time Mikasa groans, “ Dude, horrible stress, if I don’t pass I won’t be allowed to start my clinical experience.” 

Sasha makes a face, “So? Stop whining and do it.” 

Mikasa looks indignantly at her, “You literally just contemplated quitting 10 seconds ago.”

“Whatever, just go study for your Smile test.” 

“Sasha for the 5th time, it’s USMLE.” 

“Whatever.” 

  


__________________________________________________ 

  


Mikasa sighs, staring at her bedroom ceiling, she wishes she could start working soon, so that she could help Levi. He’s been paying for her tiny apartment and while she insists she can get a job to help out, he’s adamantly refused claiming that if she did, her studying would suffer and she’d flunk out of med school or something. 

She should really call him soon. 

Mikasa glances at her phone and just then a notification pops up, from Eren. 

Her heart constricts, even though it’s been so long. 

**Eren: it’s literally been ages since we last talked guys, what have you been up to?**

She waits for Armin to respond first. 

**Armin: Hmm, nothing much, preparing for a huge test that’s coming up.**

**Eren: For med school right? **

**Armin: yeah, i kinda wanna quit**

**Eren: woah, must be tough if even youre pessimistic about it lmao **

**Armin: Mika, i know youre reading these **

**Mikasa: oops**

**Eren: what have you been doing since we last talked? **

**Mikasa: you mean after like 2 years -_-**

**Eren: hehe, yeah**

**Mikasa: nothing much, just also stressing about a test **

**Eren: grad school? **

**Mikasa: something like that**

**Mikasa: anyway, what have you been doing **

**Eren: well, i actually have something to tell you both…**

**Armin: oh oh**

**Eren: -_-**

**Armin: just kidding, go on **

**Eren: ANywAYs**

**Eren: I kinda **

**Eren: Got engaged? **

Her heart stops for a second. She doesn’t know what she feels for a few minutes. There’s a drop in her stomach and her eyes sting. Engaged. He was engaged. Of course it made sense, they weren’t teenagers anymore, they were 23 year olds and even though that was an early marriage, it wasn’t unheard of. Plus, she was over Eren. She was better. 

So why did it hurt so much. 

She glances back at her phone. 

**Armin: WOAH, what **

**Armin: You????**

**Eren: hey… what are you implying **

**Armin: nothing nothing **

**Armin: it’s just, you were pretty adamant on the whole staying focused til you finished law school. **

**Eren: Armin, I was like 17 when i told you that **

**Armin: yeah but still **

**Eren: well maybe its because i didn’t know her then**

**Eren: she’s… it **

**Armin: in that case, congratulations!**

**Eren: Thank you, the wedding’s next year if you guys want to come and celebrate with me. **

**Armin: For sure**

**Eren: Mikasa? **

**Mikasa: oops **

**Mikasa: engaged? Woah, never thought id see the day **

**Eren: … -_-**

**Mikasa: I’ll try to be there **

**Mikasa: I have to go now**

**Mikasa: bye **

**Eren: byeeee**

**Armin: bye…**

She hurls her phone away from her and sobs into her pillow. He was in love, he found someone who could crack through all his focus, someone probably like him. Someone smart and beautiful. He said she was it. 

He said he didn’t have time to fall in love. He just meant he didn't have time to fall in love with her. It hurts, because before all of this, she could claim it wasn’t about her, it was about focus and time, but now, now it was about her. She could never make him look her way, and then this probably beautiful soon-to-be lawyer comes along and she’s enough.

Why couldn’t _ she _ ever be enough? What made her so undesirable to Eren? 

She had tried _ so _ hard. She had tried so hard to make it work, but it was never enough. _ She _was never enough. She tried to work hard in school like him, she stayed in her miserable extracurriculars for him and it never bridged the gap she desperately wanted gone. 

She knows he never asked her to do any of that, but couldn’t he see? She would have done anything for him. She loved him so much it hurt. Yet, it never played out. 

Now, years later, when her life is barely starting to go the way she wants it to, the way _ she _wants it to, he comes back tearing her heart apart. 

All the thoughts on her inadequacies she’s tried to keep at bay start to spiral out of control. Why was it so hard to let go? Did she even love him anymore or was it just her pride that was hurt she wasn’t the one after years wasted on trying?

When she finally quiets her sobs, she shakily opens her phone, planning to call Sasha. She could really use her support. However, the message icon stops her. It’s from Armin. 

**Armin: Hey, I don’t want to overstep or anything, but if you need me, I’m always here. **

Armin always knew. 

**Mikasa: Thank you, Armin**

  


**_________________________________________________________________________**

  


When she tells Sasha the news of Eren’s engagement, Sasha swears to castrate him. This pulls a laugh out of Mikasa, albeit a watery, sad laugh. “Sash, it’s not his fault, it’s not like I ever told him…” she wipes her tears, “he just never felt the, uh, same. That’s fine, y’know.” She shrugs her shoulders, but Sasha knows her better than that. She knows that it’s not ‘fine.’

Sasha tsks and sighs, “Still, he had to be absolutely blind not to see you were head over heels for him. I didn’t even know you then and I could tell when you hadn’t even told me you liked him.” 

Mikasa smiles fondly, “he’s always been a little dense…” 

“More like an idiot.” 

“Sash!” 

“Why are you booing me? I’m right.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ok so im a stinky liar and didn't update when i said i would, but in my defense i got sick and then had a chem test. 
> 
> Anyway, more proof of me being a liar, i said there were only going to be 2 parts to this, but... i guess it's trying to become a bigger story. so multichapter fic here i come, idk if that's something anyone is interested in?


	3. Chapter 3

_ They sit watching the sunset. She didn’t want to go home.  _

_ Eren is quiet beside her. The wind rustles his hair and his eyes seem an even lighter green. She’s hugging her knees and watching from his backyard as the sky turns pink and purple and orange. She hadn’t needed to say anything to Eren, he understood as soon as he saw her eyes that she needed to be away.  _

_ “You don’t have to talk about it, but maybe it’d help, whatever you feel comfortable doing is ok.” He looked embarrassed at having said something that soft. She smiles softly.  _

_ She stops hugging her knees and splays her legs out on the grass, for all his denseness, he knew exactly what to say.  _

_ “It’s mom’s birthday today.” He doesn’t speak, or breathe. She exhales tiredly, “ Even after all this time, I can’t seem to gather the courage to go see her.” She doesn’t speak much, and when she does, it’s with purpose, that’s not how she is, but more and more seems to leave her, “ I don’t want to see her represented by a slab of concrete. I don’t want to see dad beside her and see the same.” She doesn’t cry, she just tries to bury the pain,” But, my brother, even with all the stoicism, he comes back from visiting them, and I can see the pain and the slight red of his eyes, but he looks, peaceful, as if seeing them while they’re six feet underground helps in anyway. And I just wish I had the courage to share that with him, be there with him while he hurts. But I can’t. I just can’t, not yet, maybe not ever.”  _

_ Eren doesn't hug her.  _

_ He holds her hand and brings it towards him to get her attention. “ You don’t have to do anything you’re not ready for. Don’t be harsh on yourself.” He loses the intensity in his eyes and looks away from her startled ones, “ You’re the strongest person I know, and you’re not a coward. You’re human, not a machine, you’re allowed to feel afraid.” He looks at her again and grins,“ and anytime you need a home, I’m here.”  _

_ Her eyes, why are they…? Is she… is she crying? The tears stream down her face and while Eren panics over having said the wrong thing, she smiles.  _

_________________________________________________________________________

The headache that’s been building for the last few hours suddenly hits her all at once. She grabs her head and downs some advil. She needed to stop thinking about him. It’s been a long time since she last saw him and two years since she last spoke to him. 

He was engaged and months after having told them, she needed to decide whether she was going to attend the wedding. 

Would she break her own heart and support one of her best friends or would she save herself the heartbreak and miss one of the most important moments of his life? She sighs, why now? 

She definitely didn’t need this, not when her third year of medical school was about to start. She had passed her test with flying colors and just wanted to keep the momentum. She didn’t need this. Her therapist had talked to her about putting herself first and that being “selfish” was completely fine. She wishes it were easier than that. Eren wasn’t at fault for her messy feelings, all he had ever been for her was a good friend, albeit a dense friend. 

She was going to regret this. 

  
  


**Mikasa: When and where is the wedding? **

_______________________________________________________

  
  


Apparently, the wedding had been pushed up as the fiancée’s grandmother was very sickly and they were afraid if they waited longer, she wouldn’t make it to see their wedding day. Mikasa’s heart panged with guilt at her petty worries. Here she was crying about juvenile feelings and Eren had real life happening to him. 

She hears her therapist’s light scolding at having neglected her own feelings and their validity. 

The only good that came from them pushing the wedding up by half a year, was that it’d be right before she actually started her third year. It also meant that Sasha was completely free as well and could be there to support Mikasa. After getting the okay from Eren, Sasha and Mikasa began their preparations for a flight to Eren’s state. 

  
  


_____________________________________________________________

When Mikasa and Sasha land, they buy starbucks and chat while Eren comes to pick them up. The actual wedding was the next day, but Eren had asked Armin and Mikasa to come early to spend the night before with him… plus Sasha, but it was as good as any to finally introduce them. 

When Eren finally arrives, he rushes into the store while panting. She takes a moment to look at him. Green eyes searching for them in the store, lean, taller figure dressed in simple jeans and a long sleeve black shirt. She notes his hair, longer and in a messy low bun. Nope, not good for her heart.

She stops her staring and waves him over. She grins as he apologetically laughs at being late.

“ I see you’re still as frantic in everything you do as ever,” she chastises, and it was true, despite his work ethic, he had always been a messy frantic worker.

He rolls his eyes and smiles at Sasha, “I’d like to say I’ve heard a lot about you but Mikasa has kept you hidden,” he jokes as he shakes her hand, “ or maybe it’s because she texts once in a blue moon.”

Sasha laughs and agrees, “ Mi and I can’t text, I hate the restriction and she can’t multitask to save her life, so we video chat instead.” Mikasa shrugs.

Eren hums, “ Maybe I’ll steal that advice and see if I can actually get her to associate herself with me.” 

Mikasa rolls her eyes and sips her drink but her cheeks are slightly red, she hadn’t known that’s how her lack of communication had come across, she’d just assumed everyone else was also too busy to remember her, she hadn’t wanted to bother. 

As they walk to Eren’s car, Sasha, ever the conversationalist, asks what he does for a living, despite already knowing he was in law school. Mikasa silently thanks Sasha for filling in the gaps, she didn’t know how she would’ve handled being alone with Eren. 

As they continue driving, Mikasa finally pipes up during a lull in the conversation between the two fast friends. “Where’s Armin?” 

“Ah, he came yesterday, said he wanted to relax and spend as much time as he could before med school started again.” Mikasa hums. Eren continues, “ He’s staying in a hotel near where the reception will be held, even though I offered my apartment. You’re staying in the same one right?” 

“You know Armin, he’s convinced he’d bother,” Mikasa knowingly supplies, “ And yeah, Sasha and I are splitting the cost since we’re broke.” 

“True and same, plus, he says my lack of pool was also reason enough to decline.” Mikasa laughs and Sasha snorts. 

___________________________________________________________________________

When Sasha and Mikasa get dropped off at the hotel, Eren leaves with a promise of coming back to hang once he drops off his fiancée at her parent’s house. Mikasa waves until his car is gone from view. 

Sasha smiles sadly at her, “ I can see why you fell for him.” 

Mikasa shrugs. “ It doesn’t matter anymore,” and for the sake of lightening up the mood she adds, “ and weren’t you swearing to castrate him all those months ago?” 

Sasha goes along with the shift in mood, “ Yeah, cause I didn’t know how hot he was, of course not as hot as your brother but...” Mikasa smacks her and Sasha waddles away with her bags with Mikasa in a similar state after her. 

“When I get my hands on you, I’m killing you!” 

“Don’t be jealous, Mi, I think you’re hot too!” 

As Mikasa walks ahead of her in a mock way of ignoring her, Sasha laughs and pleads for her to stop pouting and as she rounds a corner, she bumps into someone. 

She collects her bags and begins apologizing when she hears a “ Mika?” 

She looks up and comes face to face with bright blue eyes. She drops her bags and closes the distance between them with a hug, “ Armin!” Armin laughs and holds her close, she hadn’t seen him in so long, but his presence was as calming as ever. She squints up at him when she finally detaches from him, she angrily exclaims, “ When the hell did you get so tall and what did you do to your hair?” 

Armin laughs and scratches the back of his head in his signature shy boy way, “ I went through this like huge growth spurt right after I left for college. It was really unexpected. Had to get longer pants, not fun, plus we’re like the same height now.” Mikasa cackles and Armin continues as he shrugs, “ As for that tragic bowl cut, it might have been cute when we were like 12, but I figured I needed to grow into something else.” 

Mikasa smiles and goes to reply when Sasha clears her throat. Oh yeah. 

Mikasa giggles and drags Sasha next to her, “Armin, this is my best girl, Sasha.” 

Armin shakes Sasha’s hand and introduces himself politely, “ Hello, I’m Armin, Mika’s friend since, what, we were 12? Yeah, nice to meet you,” he grins.

Sasha laughs, “ As much as I love getting to know new people, I’m pretty sure we would be much more comfortable once we settle in for the day.” 

They bid a quick goodbye to Armin as they head to their assigned room. They had decided to only get a room with one bed as that had seemed like the cheapest option. 

Unpacking their suitcases and arranging their clothes on their preferred side of the drawers, Mikasa suddenly stops. 

If Sasha notices, she doesn’t stop what she’s doing. After all, if Mikasa didn’t want to talk, nothing could make her, and if she did, then it was better not to ruin the rare display. 

“ I came here thinking about how terrible this would make me feel, how unnecessary this ‘drama’ was, but… this isn’t about me, at all, and all of these feelings,... I chose to never say anything, I chose to run away. And I’m honestly tired. I’ve been so cowardly. Now I just want to enjoy one of my best friend’s wedding and be truly happy for him. No more whining,” her frown turns into a soft smile as she begins arranging her clothes again,” besides, Armin is here, and so are you. Eren is here, just as he’s always been.” 

Her smile takes up her entire face, “ I’m truly happy you’re all here.” 

**Author's Note:**

> Phew, I literally suck at writing but I was really strangely inspired to write this. I don't usually write with such little dialogue, since I don't write much to begin with, but it was fun. Also, Mikasa is literally my fave girl, she needs to heal man, also no manga spoilers but I know a bit here and there since I couldn't help myself. 
> 
> There will be a second part, that won't be with emo style lol.


End file.
